RAW CONAN MEATSTACK HUMAN! RRRAGH!!!!

I went to the gym for 6 days in a row & I don't yet look like Arnie. This is COMPLETE bee ess! I want to be able to crush heads in between my boob muscles. What are they again? Pecs! Yes, my enormous pecs aren't enormous yet. What a gyp.


Aaaah, I shouldn't take it out on my ridiculously fast metabolism or lack of consistency. I'm just cranky that I'm undergoing this self-imposed abstinence from booze, diet coke, sugary crap, salty crap, other crap junk foods, & basically living like St Francis. Except without the whole talent & being nice to animals & people.... Oh, & the stigmata. Dodged a bullet there...


Anyway, detox is what they call it. I call it "tastes like shit in the morning". I read somewhere a long time ago that Roman soldiers used to drink vinegar to keep their blood clean. From that I can only deduce that they had pee tests for pot smoking in the Roman legion or they were afraid of the clap after having boned their way halfway across Europe & back again. In any case, the logic seemed sound enough for me. Also, it was on this abominable website about detoxes that pretty much suggested 'detox diets' that involved a week of dissolving some good intentions in a glass of water & mixing it with lemon juice. Seemed like the vinegar thing was the smartest sentence on the page & I thought 'hey, the Romans used to do that, that sounds reasonable', forgetting that the Romans were the biggest assholes to hit the front pages until the Third Reich popped up a few thousand years later.


So with that balanced & well thought-out 'plan' in mind I woke up at 6:30am on Monday (Day 1), after a solid wingding at the Langham Place hotel's backyard the night before, feeling mildly seedy & staggered straight into the kitchen.... *Sorry to any neighbours that can see into my kitchen window by the way* ...yeah, so I headed straight for the kitchen, flung open the cupboard door in a fit of detox bravado, tore the lid off the vinegar & took a long, hard belt. This was instantly followed by a TT dance: Tourettes & Tetanus. Standing on one leg waving a bottle of vinegar with one eye not closed, but inverted, tongue hanging out at full extension, actually squealing 'ffffuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu' in veritable ultrasound is probably not how I envisaged my week starting. Vinegar is really, really...like... vinegary! Euw.


So I did it again the next day anyway. But this time I kind of knew what to expect so I just got it over & done with. Euw more.


Oh, & the Langham backyard doo. That was cool, just like last time. Here's a couple of awfully bad shots that I lazily snapped with my camera in my famous style of forgetting to hand the thing off & getting myself in at least some of them. Just some peeps & a before & after of a bunch of champagne bottles that didn't stay full for very long.

Yummy

Caught mid-chew. Sorry Phil...

Nice people being nice. Pfft.

Nice garden lit up nicely. Bah.

Table littered with empty bottles & pizza debris. Yay!

That was fun. Now, back to the freak-out at hand. As for the rest of the so-called detox, it's all gone swimmingly aside from the lack of my traditional post-lunch diet coke. MAN is that stuff ever addictive. I am sure that there is smack in that enticing silver & red little can. 
That cold, 
refreshing, 
can,
of tasty, tasty cola!
Oh, how can you have so much flavour but only one calorie? With your nourishing & enriching powers oooooooooohh...
umm. Sorry. I miss diet coke bad. I don't think I should ever drink it again. I really had no idea I was such a hardcore junkie.


So, as I was saying, other than denying myself the otherworldly pleasure of a lunch time diet coke, resulting in a post-lunch funk of a chloroform-like quality, it's all gone pretty well. I've copped a lot of flak for not drinking booze this week as it's pretty much customary if you're an expat in Hong Kong to knock back at least three pints, a gin & tonic, two strawberry daiquiris, & a sambucca shooter a day. For good health I guess. Evidently, the jury has spoken & I'm 'Oh look at me, I'm doing a detox. I'm a boring lameass'. That's been fun to listen to, but whaddyado, right? I've got a big week coming up soon & I want to be ready & able to hack it. That & the fact that I've pretty much eaten out for 95% of my breakfast, lunch & dinner meals for the last four months & I feel like someone has just snuck into my bloodstream & dumped a bunch of lead paint in there that they couldn't be arsed disposing of sensibly. Gross.


Gym. Food at or from home. No booze or junk food. That's been the mantra. And to be honest, although it is BORING as hell. I do feel a hell of a lot better already. And still another week to go! Maybe by next Friday I will have transformed into the SuperSaiyanBeefcakeTerminator of hearts & t-shirts that I should totally be because I like go a gym & everything. Maybe...

Me.

Also me.

Oh, & let me tell you about this upcoming week. So a good mate of mine, Ken, is getting married & it's going to be a ripping shindig because a) he's got friends from all over the world & his local mates are legends, & b) a good number of his mates are my mates, so they're all coming to Hong Kong! WOOHOOO! Three of my best mates & the girlfriend will all be here for a serious party week of fun & frivolity. Kicks off on Friday night with the arrival of one of my besties. We'll jump into a jug of beer each & have a swim around in Soho / Lang Kwai Fong / Tsim Sha Tsui. Then with fresh hangovers & thirst for adventure & for gatorade, we'll jump on the morning ferry to Macau for 'Ze Bucks'. This is likely going to result in E-P-I-C sore heads, so I'm figuring that Sunday will be pretty quiet. Well at least until I catch up with two of my other besties who I haven't seen for four months!!! Awesome!!!


Then, I'm pretty sure the rest of the week will pan out like so:
Monday - Work. Go to dinner. Probably drink a lot of wine. Go to bed late.
Tuesday - Work. Go to dinner. Definitely drink a lot of beer. Go to bed very late.
Wednesday - Work. Go to dinner. Girlfriend arrives. Woot!
Thursday - Work. Go to dinner with the intention of having a quiet night & hope that actually works out.
Friday - Be suited up & ready by 9am for a whole day of weddingness. Watch two awesome people get married. Have hotel-shattering party. Go out & party until very, very Saturday.
Saturday - Have a nice lie down for a bit. Eat massive amounts of yum cha.


So yeah. That's a big itinerary. I know I'm up for it. I'm getting tonnes of sleep. Having my 7 & 2 serves a day of all the right foods. I've got the fitness. I've got the booze fitness. Really: Witness the fitness people:

So me.

I been detoxing. I R ready.