Square Zero

Welcome to the land before feelings.

This is the place you go to when you roll in to the 2012 kick-off of the corporate circuit training & you look around for your colleagues & only after a few minutes of ‘warm-ups’ (read: abdominal muscle mashers) do you realise that every one of those sons of bitches has left you alone in the clutches of a bored boxing coach.

There are few things in this world that can make you really want to give up & get worse at something just so you never have to face trying to be good at it ever again. Being fit can occasionally be one of those things.

Do a billion pushups! Now do this unbelieveably uncomfortable thing with your legs. Now die abdominally. Now slam this heavy ball into the ground repeatedly. Now hold it above your head! DON’T DROP IT! NO, DON’T POO YOUR SHORTS OR CRY EITHER! Hoooooooold iiiiit. Juuuust a little....

bit...

loooon

nnnn

nnn

g

e

r. There you can put it down now. Ohmyfuggingodthankchrist. *pant pant pant* Collapsing in this kind of situation always feels good. It’s just like puking in that way I guess. If you gotta go, you really gotta go. And down I went. So sweaty, I made a sort of splorch noise. Then I just kind of lay there making a really faint manatee-from-a-distance howl in the back of my throat. I actually think a part of my left lung was crying a bit & my arms had completely left the building.

Now I think about it, puking probably would have been an appropriate response as well.

Okay, so as well as realising that I was once again hideously unfit, I also soon learned the value of just not saying anything when you’re either not capable of speech or in danger of antagonising someone much bigger than you, or both. Observe the below dialogue:

“Idunnoif *pantpantpant* I dunno if *pant* fark *swallow*”

“Okay, you ready for the next set?”

“Idoong me. Mo more...”

“More? Sweet, let’s go, this will make it a bit harder then”

“Momore!”

“Yeah, more! Okay, here’s how you do it...”

“Mmmmnyuuuuugh”

Shut up next time, Luke.

So the moral of this whine is that although Operation Abs is in full swing, I’ve now also got a pretty good handle of my current fitness levels:  Shithouse. And for anyone that read this blog way back when & remembers another little tirade about circuit training, this will explain the title. Basically, I'm back to square zero.

Hooray for new years resolutions! HAPPY FKN NEW YEAR!

Mr Puniverse

Day 3 of “Operation Abs”. I’ve run 8 km spread over two separate occasions & tried to lift some weights at the gym one time. And I feel like I’ve been laid on a fucking stretching rack. This morning I thought I was going to die in a pooping cubicle at work because I couldn’t get my damned jacket back on to save my life. I was bashing the sides of the thing, flapping about the place, swearing, blaspheming, wiggling & honestly, to all the others in that loo taking their ‘morning constitutionals’ it must have sounded for all the world like I was trying to pass a half-chewed Volkswagon. So in short, I & my non-operational muscles have a ways to go.

We’re on a self-imposed, seemed-like-a-really-good-idea-at-the-time, 6 week get fit bent. And as per the above, things are looking grim at day 3. Fortunately today is a rest day, so hopefully I’ll wake up tomorrow & not make that septuagenarian getting out of a car “Ooph” noise just trying to climb out of the bed. Only time will tell I guess. Well that & enough fish oil capsules to use as a ship’s ballast. I’ll either get my joints & muscles in order or I’ll grow friggin’ scales.

Also, WTF?!? Being a child of Gen Y (by a technicality), I’m all about instant gratification so the fact that it’s been SO LONG already & I still look & feel like someone that’s been living on a diet of white bread, coffee, & marshmallows for the last ten years is infuriating in the extreme. No t-shirt destroying biceps. No magic Manpower Australia tan. Nothing! Guess I’ll have to keep at it for a while...

RRRRAAAARGH!

As for my other two resolutions, progress is as follows:

• Dancing: I have a Groupon for 10 lessons in that really messy draw with all the paperwork in it. I’m getting there.
• Golf: I’ve been busy playing video games. Busy...

WHAT?!

To be continued...