Square Zero

Welcome to the land before feelings.

This is the place you go to when you roll in to the 2012 kick-off of the corporate circuit training & you look around for your colleagues & only after a few minutes of ‘warm-ups’ (read: abdominal muscle mashers) do you realise that every one of those sons of bitches has left you alone in the clutches of a bored boxing coach.

There are few things in this world that can make you really want to give up & get worse at something just so you never have to face trying to be good at it ever again. Being fit can occasionally be one of those things.

Do a billion pushups! Now do this unbelieveably uncomfortable thing with your legs. Now die abdominally. Now slam this heavy ball into the ground repeatedly. Now hold it above your head! DON’T DROP IT! NO, DON’T POO YOUR SHORTS OR CRY EITHER! Hoooooooold iiiiit. Juuuust a little....

bit...

loooon

nnnn

nnn

g

e

r. There you can put it down now. Ohmyfuggingodthankchrist. *pant pant pant* Collapsing in this kind of situation always feels good. It’s just like puking in that way I guess. If you gotta go, you really gotta go. And down I went. So sweaty, I made a sort of splorch noise. Then I just kind of lay there making a really faint manatee-from-a-distance howl in the back of my throat. I actually think a part of my left lung was crying a bit & my arms had completely left the building.

Now I think about it, puking probably would have been an appropriate response as well.

Okay, so as well as realising that I was once again hideously unfit, I also soon learned the value of just not saying anything when you’re either not capable of speech or in danger of antagonising someone much bigger than you, or both. Observe the below dialogue:

“Idunnoif *pantpantpant* I dunno if *pant* fark *swallow*”

“Okay, you ready for the next set?”

“Idoong me. Mo more...”

“More? Sweet, let’s go, this will make it a bit harder then”

“Momore!”

“Yeah, more! Okay, here’s how you do it...”

“Mmmmnyuuuuugh”

Shut up next time, Luke.

So the moral of this whine is that although Operation Abs is in full swing, I’ve now also got a pretty good handle of my current fitness levels:  Shithouse. And for anyone that read this blog way back when & remembers another little tirade about circuit training, this will explain the title. Basically, I'm back to square zero.

Hooray for new years resolutions! HAPPY FKN NEW YEAR!

Mr Puniverse

Day 3 of “Operation Abs”. I’ve run 8 km spread over two separate occasions & tried to lift some weights at the gym one time. And I feel like I’ve been laid on a fucking stretching rack. This morning I thought I was going to die in a pooping cubicle at work because I couldn’t get my damned jacket back on to save my life. I was bashing the sides of the thing, flapping about the place, swearing, blaspheming, wiggling & honestly, to all the others in that loo taking their ‘morning constitutionals’ it must have sounded for all the world like I was trying to pass a half-chewed Volkswagon. So in short, I & my non-operational muscles have a ways to go.

We’re on a self-imposed, seemed-like-a-really-good-idea-at-the-time, 6 week get fit bent. And as per the above, things are looking grim at day 3. Fortunately today is a rest day, so hopefully I’ll wake up tomorrow & not make that septuagenarian getting out of a car “Ooph” noise just trying to climb out of the bed. Only time will tell I guess. Well that & enough fish oil capsules to use as a ship’s ballast. I’ll either get my joints & muscles in order or I’ll grow friggin’ scales.

Also, WTF?!? Being a child of Gen Y (by a technicality), I’m all about instant gratification so the fact that it’s been SO LONG already & I still look & feel like someone that’s been living on a diet of white bread, coffee, & marshmallows for the last ten years is infuriating in the extreme. No t-shirt destroying biceps. No magic Manpower Australia tan. Nothing! Guess I’ll have to keep at it for a while...

RRRRAAAARGH!

As for my other two resolutions, progress is as follows:

• Dancing: I have a Groupon for 10 lessons in that really messy draw with all the paperwork in it. I’m getting there.
• Golf: I’ve been busy playing video games. Busy...

WHAT?!

To be continued...

OMG! NY2012! WTF?!?

I figured it out!

It wasn’t until certain events transpired that I realised just what I could do with Mr Blog over here. Ever since the Female Companion Unit (FCU – Lozzatron 6000) joined me here in Hong Kong, this blog has seemed like nothing but a giant pain in the arse due to the fact that I’ve now got someone handy who can listen to my constant stream of verbal waste, instead of having to barrel it down the interbutts at of you people.

I have however had – astonishingly – more than one person mention that no longer blogging is a bullshit approach to staying touch, so with lots more ado, I propose to utilise this here blog as a repository of all of those things in my life that don’t involve the (now) fiancée, or any potential wedding-related malarkey. That way, I can poison Facebook with all of that goo until my heart’s content & anyone that’s unfortunate enough to read my status updates can just live with it. For all of the other stuff that’s happening in my (admittedly, not that exciting) life, Very Confusion shall be the place go!

New Year’s resolutions:

1.       To get back on the dancefloor. Oh yes. White males on the dancefloor.

2.       To do a lot more of that nightmarish circuit training until I have at least one matching pair of abdominal muscles (hecklers welcome). And to refer to my arms as either ‘my guns’ or ‘the twins’ until people tell me to go away & do a push up.

3.       To get over to China as often as possible & play some actual golf. Not 4 beers & 130 balls at the driving range over a one hour period, but actual golf. On a golf course. Should be hilarious.

Also, to get married, but this blog need not worry about that.

So, now I have a new purpose for this blog, let’s see how it pans out. The horror & hilaritude of moving to a new country has pretty much worn off, so I’ll stop paying out on Hong Kong (for the most part). And although I still miss my friends & family back in Oz, this is home now, so I’m not some kind of adequately remunerated, depressed vagrant anymore either.

We’re moving into a new year people! It’s the 21^st century & laser bikes are here! Well, not really, but let’s repurpose our blog & see how the rest of the future turns out, shall we? I’ll log my successes & transgressions on the road to becoming a more well-rounded human being & my utilisation of all of the facilities, opportunities & good times that Honkers & the rest of Asia has to offer before life gets turned upside down again one fine day soon!

Here’s a photo to remember me by throughout this festive season:

Love you all to bits & I wish you the very best for this Christmas, in your New Year celebrations, & for the year ahead. Year of the dragon! Whazzah!

So, England huh? The land where the sun never shines, the people are miserable little Mr Hankys, shuffling from puddle to puddle swaddled in black trench coats, chewing on week old Yorkshire puddings that taste like two week old cardboard & no one ever smiles. Nope, never been there.

This is apparently, unseasonably warm weather for England, but by god is it nice. Every day her has been at least 24 degrees, sunny & just plain old fashioned bloody delightful. The produce on this little island is for some reason some of the freshest I've ever had, the billion migrants that have come into the place must have spiced up the kitchens no end because by &large the pub & restaurant food is excellent. The British 'cask' beers - beer that comes from micro breweries all over the countryside & is stored & delivered in little wooden casks - is so good it would give a corpse a taste for drink. What else? Oh, the shops here are all filled with things I like. That may be a product of having only walked into shops that look like they have things in them that I like & that there's a trillion of them here....but anyway, the fact still remains.

In short, this place is really giving me a good idea of why 9 million people have chosen to call it home for so long. There's a lot of culture, a lot of colorful people, and a shittonne of stuff to do. Watched Les Miserables yesterday as we just felt like it. Where the hell else in the world can you do that? (It was really good, & very faithful to the book for anyone that's wondering).

Oh, also: Paris. Anyone that hasn't had a good look at Paris yet, I suggest you book a holiday right now & fix that as soon as possible. It is like a poem that isn't crap, but you get wine & food covered in butter along with it.

Anyway, back to the England. Currently on a high speed train to Bath, of all places. It is evidently a nice countryside town in the .. Actually, I have no idea what direction we're traveling. Go look at a map if you're interested. But we're going to that place now. Hopefully, this will involve a good crack at the Roman baths, a jaunt over to Salisbury, & I really, really want to get a look at Stonehenge, which is apparently fairly close by. Only time will tell how this weekend works out, but it has the potential to be a good one. And the sun is STILL FREAKING SHINING! So awesome.

Well, all for now. I know this is a crap travel log, but a) I don't have a proper computer at the moment & this iPad is a pain in the balls for doing real tasks, b) it's more fun doing other things, c) I can't upload any photos at the moment as they're on my phone & it's a giant dickaround getting them on this machine. Besides, all I'm doing is gushing really. I think my view of Europe is horribly skewed by the insanely happy people I keep encountering, the postcard weather, & the utter lack of work I always have to do. Hoping to come back to London in January in order to put paid to that.

Apologies for the typos, the train is rocking around like an ADHD kid with red cordial & a flask of amyl nitrate.

Until next time!

One down, seven to go

Well, that was three & a half days of lounging, chilling, more lounging, more chilling, & taking advantage of the 60 minute sliver of sun we had to hang out by the pool. Next stop, Paris. Well, actually, next stop is an uncomfortable as hell seat in a little AirAsia plane all the way to Paris on what is sure to be an entire night of no sleep, butt pins n' needles, & a whole bucket o' jetlag. But whatevs. We're on holiday.

Also, screw you, Alfy: Langkawi is freakin' awesome.

Having a grouse time.

The end.

Actually quite confusion...

Getting ready to leave & have finally squeezed out the last big brain dump of work before our Euro-jaunt begins, so I'm actually getting kind of excited now! With a reasonable list of destinations over a very reasonable chunk of time, I reckon this holiday which begins in t-minus 53 hours is going to be an absolute ripper.

Been getting a few Hong Kong willies out of our system in the lead up to LOLEuroBomb2012 (working title), so we've had a couple of big nights, a massive number of giant meals (including a small mountain of dim sum), a peek at the mid-Autumn festival lanterns, & a whole lot of complaining about the freakin heat. I swear, its so bloody hot here that I could glue air particles together just with the goop they're leaking into the atmosphere all up in here. Euw.

Anyway, just wanted the excuse to stick up a few photos & say YO to all'y'all before f*cking straight off into the horizon for a FULL CALENDAR MONTH of fun &/or adventure. Oh, & apologies to those of you whom I don't work with who have already seen all this on Facebook already. So anyway, check us enjoying the balmy Hong Kong nights with countless alcoholic beverages!

Night #1: Phil's B'day celebrations & beer drinking challenge

Looking pleasant during an actual beer drinking challenge. Mark of a true man.

Looking mildly wiped out during a beer drinking challenge. Fairy 'nuff I say.

BEEEEERS!

The rest of the photos from this night are a bit messy, so *scene deleted*

Night #2: Random night with no purpose that turned out awesome

Out at Blckbrd, on Lyndhurst Tce

God knows where this is. It's DARK.

I love this camera. Luscious lips, or just weird?

A simple misunderstanding over...I dunno...eight gin & tonics...?

But everyone was friends in the end.

Is this a test shot? Anyway, observe: Wine.

My boss being delightful & flipping us off while taking a shot. Look carefully, we're grimacing in the background.

I have NO idea what happened here, but I'm 80% confident it didn't involve pants removal. This comforts me. Mostly.

Want some mint with your mint juice?

Back at Joyce is Not Here. This is a bar you are ALL coming to when you visit Hong Kong.

Drinkies at Joyce. Always awesome.

As well as heading out on the town, there's been time to squeeze in a little bit of culture. It's the mid-Autumn festival today, so we 'beat the crowd' & went to see all the lanterns set up in Victoria Park on Sunday night. There's fire dancing, dragons, palm reading, plays, etc. on Monday & Tuesday but Hong Kong being Hong Kong, we figured there would be about a trillion people there so we decided to get in early. It was still crowded as a hell, but realistically, it wasn't any worse that Causeway Bay train station on any given day. In any case, it was cute & fun, & seemed kind of old world in a way. There was carnival music playing & lots of lights, & funniest of all, zillions of little kids running around confused & excited & freaking out over the newness of everything. Anyway, enjoy the pics.

Mmmmmm fish...

Lots o' lights over lots o' people

This big fish had lots of little fish

Man, I seriously love this camera. How good are those colours?

Checking the fish lanterns

Bit busy this pic. Too busy. Also, that chick on the right obviously didn't like being photographed. Well, you're on the Internet now love. FOREVER.

Causeway Bay & its 87 billion shoppers.

This was handmade by 2 old masters of lantern making. Not sure if that would pay so well, but they did a great job. It rotated & everything. Very cool.

Got a light?

Loz turns her head & the big fish goes all Cassius 1999 disco-crazy.

These will be the last pics from HK for a while, as we're off to Europe on Thursday arvo. I'll make sure to do a few updates & get busy with the photo uploading whenever I can so you can all perceive the radness of Europa from your desktops. Prepare to enjoy. Jealously.

A tiny wave from a great distance

Y'all. Not much has been happening here lately as you're no doubt aware. It's a combination of having a mountain of work to get through & my rad girlfriend finally having moved to Hong Kong! Woot!

So yeah, haven't had much time to update the blog considering that I now actually have someone to speak to instead of wandering around my apartment from wall to wall muttering to myself & unleashing my thought spasms onto the computer.

Next few weeks will involve (hopefully) a trip or two to the beach, which will definitely warrant a write-up considering I'm STILL yet to head down to any beach other than to get picked up or dropped off for something. I think this is fairly remarkable given that I've spent the last 6 months on this ISLAND, which really is GURT BY SEA. Sound familiar? Yeah, well, unlike Australia, here you can't drive in any direction for more than an hour or two without dropping into the ocean, so I am rapidly running out of excuses not to visit it. Anyway, so that's one thing. Then, there's a couple of shopping trips for random clothes & some shoes, which probably won't make for the most exciting narrative. But the reasoning will! We're off on our European vacation in just over two weeks time. It's going to rock harder than an actual piece of stone & is going to be one full calendar month of fun, adventure, shopping, sight-seeing, many reunions, one wedding, at least three major piss-ups, non-stop eating, the occasional guilt-driven exercise session, the odd massage & spa treatment, & a whole bunch of chilling the hell out. Oh, & a shittonne of planes, trains & automobiles.

Honestly though, right now I'm thinking less about the destinations & more about the dumb accents I can pull, so we've got Mick Jagger or Rumpole of the Bailey for London (situation depending), with the occasional Alex Turner segueing to Vicky Pollard. Bath is going to be all about Bourke from Trapdoor: "Ooh, get back in there you 'orrible slimy little critter you. No! Not up in there, ooh, 'e's not gonna be 'appy about that, 'e isn't" so on & so forth until I get told to shut up. Italy is so easy, it's a choice between Godfather or ultra-fruity gondolier. Going to have a blast with that one & just hope I don't get beaten up by the locals or my travel companions. France, I may be mildly merciful & put on the Marcel Marceau at times, which can possibly be ignored for short periods, but other than that I'll be Gabrielle Gateau or whatever his name is because his accent sounds completely fake anyway. I still hold that he's from Coonabarabran & just did one semester of uni in Paris. My only real concern is Prague. I have no idea what those people sound like. The closest I think I've got is The yugo accent, where you just deepen your voice & say 'fuckin' at the end of every sentence fuckin. But I may have to research that one to maximise the amount of stupid I can squeeze out of it. Fuckin.

Anyway, that's me for now. Looking forward to a month of R&R & hilarity & taking the piss out of most of Europe & probably driving my girlfriend insane at which point I might stop. For a while.

Hopefully, I'll post an entry before we head off, but if not, keep any eye out for photos. There will be many.

L